Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Positive Affirmations are Hooey

Last night I went on a five hour hike up a valley to a hidden lake.  You climb up and up, across snow fields and rugged tundra and just when you’re sure the trail dead ends, you turn a corner and *poof* an enormous lake appears, nestled up against the curve of a mountain.  It almost brought me to tears the first time I set eyes on the wide expanse of snowmelt green water.  I just stood and stared.  Afraid to move -- afraid the lake would disappear and afraid I’d pass out.  That a natural landmark could be worth pushing my body to the point of throwing-up was a novel concept (I wasn't in the best of shape back then).  It was a pivotal moment in my outdoor obsession.

While the view didn’t impact me like it did that first time, hiking to Hidden Lake yesterday was still a very moving experience.  I know I say this every time, but it was truly perfect.  Exactly what I needed.

You’ll be happy to know I broke my fast last night before the hike.  There was no way I was making it to the top of the valley without eating.  After work I ate a bunch of strawberries, pineapple and half an egg-white frittata.  I know it's unhealthy to go so long without eating, but I'm so paralyzed by the fear of binging that it's easier to choose no food rather than guessing at safe foods.  Unfortunately, the longer I go without eating, the more likely any food will trigger a binge.  It's a sick, self-defeating cycle.  The only reason I escaped last night was because I ate while prepping for the hike.  I had no time to binge. 

Today has not gone so well.  In my defense, I tried to eat.  At lunch I carefully peeled the sticker off an apple before washing it with dish soap and hot water -- I may be a wee bit of a germaphobe.  The first bite was mushy, mealy and tasteless; it immediately went into the trash.  I cut the gala in half only to discover the whole thing was brown and pocketed.

I made iced tea last night.  My own special blend: two bags Kirkland green tea, two bags Tazo Wild Sweet Orange and one bag Tazo Passion.  It makes about two and half liters of tart, slightly-sweet tea (no sweeteners necessary).  I’ve been sipping on that all day.  Yum!

After work I’m heading to the pool for a swim.  My parents used to have to drag me out of the water as a kid and I spent five years on the local swim team.  It’s been over a year since my last training regiment, so starting up again has been a chore.  A fun chore, but a chore all the same.  I’m just hoping it will help me take my mind off life, which let’s be honest, is complete shit at the moment.  I used to believe in instant karma (no waiting for the next life to gain retribution for this girl), but now I’m not so sure.  I would have had to commit genocide to deserve the string of bad luck I’ve endured this last year.

I will persevere!  I will get through this and be stronger in the end!  Go me!

Huh, positive affirmations are not nearly as helpful as I’ve been lead to believe.


  1. wow you really are an outdoor junkie, that lake sounds breathtaking and well worth the climb.
    I am glad you ate something and I hope you feel better soon.. the world works in mysterious way.. dont lose hope. Lots of love x

    1. You have no idea, haha.

      Thank you for the warm thoughts. It means a lot to me :)

  2. I'm really glad you've broken your fast. You write beautifully and are making me miss nature so much! I can't wait to get back to the country..

    1. I don't think I could live in a big city. I would go crazy. Or, you know, crazier.

      Thank you!!

  3. I'm glad you had something to eat and it was super healthy and lovely :)
    I know what you mean though, I try to limit my intake and just end up binging a lot of the time. If I fast then I can't go "Just and little, and little more etc" and overeat, because it's no food, at all, full stop.
    I wish I had places like that to go to around here, it sounds wonderful!I agree with Claire, I am missing nature now, it sucks where I live.
    Alice xx

    1. Thank you, Alice May, you're support means a lot to me :)

      Now if only we can find a happy medium with food. Argh.

  4. Ugh - I hate it when I want something.. Like a good apple and it's mooshy and yucky... I like to have my fruit cold for some reason.. hmm..

    That icetea mix sounds really good.. I love icedtea..

    1. I know! I kind of want to take the apple back to the store and chuck it at an employee. I know it's not their fault, but still...

      I'm obsessed with iced tea! It's so tasty and healthy.


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