Positive Affirmations are Hooey

Last night I went on a five hour hike up a valley to a hidden lake.  You climb up and up, across snow fields and rugged tundra and just when you’re sure the trail dead ends, you turn a corner and *poof* an enormous lake appears, nestled up against the curve of a mountain.  It almost brought me to tears the first time I set eyes on the wide expanse of snowmelt green water.  I just stood and stared.  Afraid to move -- afraid the lake would disappear and afraid I’d pass out.  That a natural landmark could be worth pushing my body to the point of throwing-up was a novel concept (I wasn't in the best of shape back then).  It was a pivotal moment in my outdoor obsession.

While the view didn’t impact me like it did that first time, hiking to Hidden Lake yesterday was still a very moving experience.  I know I say this every time, but it was truly perfect.  Exactly what I needed.

You’ll be happy to know I broke my fast last night before the hike.  There was no way I was making it to the top of the valley without eating.  After work I ate a bunch of strawberries, pineapple and half an egg-white frittata.  I know it's unhealthy to go so long without eating, but I'm so paralyzed by the fear of binging that it's easier to choose no food rather than guessing at safe foods.  Unfortunately, the longer I go without eating, the more likely any food will trigger a binge.  It's a sick, self-defeating cycle.  The only reason I escaped last night was because I ate while prepping for the hike.  I had no time to binge. 

Today has not gone so well.  In my defense, I tried to eat.  At lunch I carefully peeled the sticker off an apple before washing it with dish soap and hot water -- I may be a wee bit of a germaphobe.  The first bite was mushy, mealy and tasteless; it immediately went into the trash.  I cut the gala in half only to discover the whole thing was brown and pocketed.

I made iced tea last night.  My own special blend: two bags Kirkland green tea, two bags Tazo Wild Sweet Orange and one bag Tazo Passion.  It makes about two and half liters of tart, slightly-sweet tea (no sweeteners necessary).  I’ve been sipping on that all day.  Yum!

After work I’m heading to the pool for a swim.  My parents used to have to drag me out of the water as a kid and I spent five years on the local swim team.  It’s been over a year since my last training regiment, so starting up again has been a chore.  A fun chore, but a chore all the same.  I’m just hoping it will help me take my mind off life, which let’s be honest, is complete shit at the moment.  I used to believe in instant karma (no waiting for the next life to gain retribution for this girl), but now I’m not so sure.  I would have had to commit genocide to deserve the string of bad luck I’ve endured this last year.

I will persevere!  I will get through this and be stronger in the end!  Go me!

Huh, positive affirmations are not nearly as helpful as I’ve been lead to believe.