Getting to the point, it cracks me up when wannarexics list a breakdown of their calorie count in their blog. Almost always they underestimate or the calories in such an obvious manner I wonder who they’re trying to kid. There is no way three pancakes come out to 246 calories unless they were the size of half-dollars. Counting a piece of fudge cake as 142 calories is pure insanity. Was it portion sized for Barbie? I’m not pointing these things out to be a bitch, but instead as a reality check. I mean, what’s the point of calculating the calories you’ve eaten if you’re underestimating the count by 300%? Either do it right, or don’t do it at all.
Eating feels like a chore today. I’m starving, but the simple act of picking a food seems like too much effort to bother. It’s probably because I am completely exhausted from being up all night with my boyfriend, who was sick as a dog. The real problem is when I am tired it’s insanely easy to trip a binge. Eating the wrong thing could mean the difference between a 1,000 calorie day and an 8,000 calorie day (approximations only, my calorie counts tend to be rather vague). My mind keeps running through the available food list: apple, no, too much effort to wash and chew; banana, no, too sweet, may trigger a binge; jerky, no, too salty, may trigger a binge and I’m feeling rather dehydrated at the moment; all natural dried fruit, maybe if I stick to the more tart choices, as the sweet ones will definitely set off a binge; pistachios, no, may trigger a binge… Over and over, repeating like a sick-cycle carousel.
The funny thing is that I established a “safe” food. Nothing added, all natural dried pineapple would be a perfect choice, but the monologue running round and round my head refuses to be interrupted. Maybe I want to be dysfunctional. Maybe my choice to get healthy, to recover, isn’t a choice at all. Maybe it’s just something I tell myself so I will stop feeling like such a failure.
It isn’t working.