Follow Your Own Path and Let People Talk

I try not to obsess about calories, mostly because there is no way to get a completely accurate count.  FDA standards allow for food labels to legally be 20% above or below actual nutrition levels.  They also say anything less than 5 calories can be labeled as 0 calories, i.e. think you’re being safe by using a yellow, pink or blue packet instead of sugar?  Think again!  You’re getting on average 4 calories PER PACKET.  Not to mention there is no enforcement on this 20% rule, so technically food companies can put whatever they want on the label without incrimination.  Good rule of thumb?  The bigger the brand, the better your chances the label is correct.  Those little mom-and-pop shops just don’t have the resources or inclination for accurate testing. 

Getting to the point, it cracks me up when wannarexics list a breakdown of their calorie count in their blog.  Almost always they underestimate or the calories in such an obvious manner I wonder who they’re trying to kid.  There is no way three pancakes come out to 246 calories unless they were the size of half-dollars.  Counting a piece of fudge cake as 142 calories is pure insanity.  Was it portion sized for Barbie?  I’m not pointing these things out to be a bitch, but instead as a reality check.  I mean, what’s the point of calculating the calories you’ve eaten if you’re underestimating the count by 300%?  Either do it right, or don’t do it at all.  

 
Eating feels like a chore today.  I’m starving, but the simple act of picking a food seems like too much effort to bother.  It’s probably because I am completely exhausted from being up all night with my boyfriend, who was sick as a dog.  The real problem is when I am tired it’s insanely easy to trip a binge.  Eating the wrong thing could mean the difference between a 1,000 calorie day and an 8,000 calorie day (approximations only, my calorie counts tend to be rather vague).   My mind keeps running through the available food list: apple, no, too much effort to wash and chew; banana, no, too sweet, may trigger a binge; jerky, no, too salty, may trigger a binge and I’m feeling rather dehydrated at the moment; all natural dried fruit, maybe if I stick to the more tart choices, as the sweet ones will definitely set off a binge; pistachios, no, may trigger a binge… Over and over, repeating like a sick-cycle carousel. 

The funny thing is that I established a “safe” food.  Nothing added, all natural dried pineapple would be a perfect choice, but the monologue running round and round my head refuses to be interrupted. Maybe I want to be dysfunctional.  Maybe my choice to get healthy, to recover, isn’t a choice at all.  Maybe it’s just something I tell myself so I will stop feeling like such a failure. 

It isn’t working.