Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I Do Not Like the Cone of Shame

Failure.  Complete failure

In an attempt to reset my eating habits (stop the constant binging) I planned a small fast.  I know it seems counter-intuitive to starve myself when I’m in binge mode -- usually sets of more binging, no? -- but somehow it works for me.  Well, it sometimes works for me and I’m getting desperate enough to try anything.  I think my body occasionally needs to be reminded that it can survive without being constantly stuffed with food.

My fast lasted about 12 hours.  Geez.

What I ate wasn’t horrible; mostly consisting of ultra-nutritious salmon salad (homemade canned salmon, no-calorie mayo (Walton’s how I love thee), tons of mustard, dill pickles, celery, egg whites, black beans, chili paste and lime juice).  On a normal day, I would count my intake as a win.  However, since I am supposed to be fasting, I feel like crap. 

I guess I should keep things in perspective.  I ate really well today.  Not one piece of crap passed through my lips, and wasn’t that the whole point of the fast?  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

My binging and restricting are two sides of the same coin.  It’s akin to being bi-polar, or so I assume – did I mention I was a psych major for three years?  When I’m binging, my whole life is sucked into the BED vortex.  Everything from my budget to my chores and homework become unimportant.  I am sloth.  I am gluttony.  I am envy.  My careful planning falls away and I am left wallowing. 

When I am restricting, everything is so easy.  I come in under-budget (little to no food bills).  Chores disappear under my manic hands.  Homework is completed with brilliance, turned in early – a phantom A+ already scrawled across the top right corner.  I am lighter than air, perfect. 
I wish I knew how to stop this cycle.  I wish I could find a happy medium and stop swinging from pole to pole.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish.  But as Billy Bob Thornton so eloquently put it, “wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.”  And maybe that’s all I deserve, fetid hands and a head full of nothing.

On a happier note, the masses that were removed from my pup are fatty lipomas.  Completely benign.  Harmless.  She’s recovering nicely from surgery.  Her stomach and armpit are shaved, creating huge circles of fuzz around two teeny-tiny incisions, neatly stitched.  From experience I know she won’t scratch or bite at the wounds, so a cone of shame isn’t necessary, just a t-shirt to keep the sites clean and dry.  I had a freak-out moment this evening when she started jerking her head around erratically.  I thought she was having a seizure.  Turns out she was trying to eat a mosquito that had made its way indoors.  Watching her chase the thing around the living room, jaws snapping, made me laugh.  The sound was startling.  Unexpected. 

This. This is why I love my dog, my wonderful little bug.


  1. I know exactly how you feel... wish I didn't. Wallowing in self hatred and feeling ill right now. I hope you're doing better.
    Glad to hear your dog's doing well! :)

    1. Ack, I hope you feel better soon. It's hard to love yourself at times, but I keep trying. I hope you do the same.

      Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  2. If fasting works for you - maybe you should give IF a go. There is a whole lot of info about the different ways of doing it and so on here if you want to read more about it: http://www.precisionnutrition.com/intermittent-fasting

    It's really hard to get out of the binge/starving circle.. For me it helped to use the intuitive eating - and write done why I wanted to eat the random food before I ate it. A tad annoying to always stop and think - but it really helped.

    PS: Glad your dog is OK :)

    1. I just finished reading the book and it's incredible! Definitely food for thought.

      Writing down why I want to eat is a great idea -- and one I haven't heard before. I'm definitely going to give it a try.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  3. The way you explained how you feel when you are binging and then how you feel when you are restricting. God, I felt like I was reading straight out of my head. I do the exact same thing. I'm so organized and orderly when I'm restricting. And sloth like when not. Glad your pup is okay! It's always scary when they have to go in for surgery!

    1. Thank you for the comment and well wishes!

      Stay strong and know that you are BEAUTIFUL!


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