Thursday, August 30, 2012

That Being Said, I Missed You

It’s been awhile since I posted.  There have been nights where I had a desperate need, but my traitor body decided it was too tired.  Sleep [dreams] are sometimes an excellent cure for a troubled mind.  Oddly, I have felt guilty about not posting.  This is silly because as much as I cherish and appreciate the comments left by readers, this blog is not for you.  It is for me, and only me.  It is a tool for my recovery, nothing more.

That being said, I have missed you.

Things have changed much in the time we’ve been apart.  Besides coping with the (temporary) loss of my Penguin, I have started a new job, workout regimen and degree program (this will be my third).  Needless to say I am frantically busy, which has been both a reprieve and hindrance.  On one hand, I have less free time to binge.  On the other, I have less free time for anything resembling fun. 

My eating has been…erratic.  When I am busy, I find myself forgetting to fuel my body.  I’ll sip on a zero calorie energy drink all day, only to realize – as I’m crawling into bed – that not a bit of food has passed my lips.  If I was aiming for anorexia, this would be amazing.  Since I’m aiming for healthy, things like that piss me off.

This morning I used to calculate just how much I’ve been eating.  The results?  My daily consumption has been falling somewhere between 500 and 800 calories.  Of those calories: 40% comes from fat (boiled eggs and almonds), 20% comes from protein (boiled eggs and protein bars) and 40% comes from carbs (protein bars, fresh vegetables and fruit).  Not good.  I really need to up my protein intake if I want to continue building muscle.  I’m also afraid that my body will become nutrient deprived since my calorie count is atrocious.  I’d take supplements, but they make me incredible sick.  I think regardless of what I eat during the day, my dinner will include a protein smoothie (non-sweetened frozen fruit, water and vegan protein powder) with kale.  And by “include”, I mean that it will replace my evening meal.  Fuck dinner.

For the past month and half, I have been working out two to four times a day (at least an hour each session).  Last week I hiked over 40 miles, completed three strength-training workouts, spent three hours kayaking and another two hours mountain biking (yes, on real mountains).  On a whole, I feel great.  I’ve never been stronger or had more endurance.  On the downside, this regimen is taking a toll on my body.  Something always hurts, and I’m fairly certain I tore something in my right quad. 

Things are not all bad.  There have been small victories.  Small steps in the right direction.  A goal I have been working on for years --to give in to small indulgences without binging-- has finally become my norm.  Last week I managed to enjoy just one bite of a homemade cupcake.  Last night my father brought me over a bag full of homemade almond cookies, of which I had only one.  The rest are tucked safely away in the back of my freezer.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m getting better or worse.  I am much more happy.  Much more content.  That’s something, right?