Thursday, March 28, 2013

Death to Fluffy, Sugary, Ooey-Gooey Peeps

I feel hollow today.  Little bees are buzzing in my chest, nibbling at my stomach.  I haven’t been able to force down more than a few bites of food since I heard Penguin was leaving.  Except last night when I ate half a box of peeps.  There was something satisfying about biting off the purple, sugar-coated heads.  Squishing the marshmallow insides against the roof of my mouth.  Of course I was sick to my stomach after, but I suppose the experience was worth the cost.

Once home, I made the crock pot meal I had been putting off for a week.  All the ingredients were purchased before I knew Penguin was leaving.  After everything was added, the ceramic dish overflowed.  It held enough to feed me for a month.  If Penguin were here, it would last maybe a week.  

You would think having a boyfriend that needs to be stuffed with 3,000 calories a day would be hard for someone with an ED.  Personally, I find it soothing.  I can enjoy the experience of buying, handling and cooking food without the stress of: a) wasting it because of a fast, b) binging, or c) the food mocking me from the fridge (weaving spells that make me glut - whispering words of encouragement - like the sirens from old fishing tales).  I’m at a loss.  Panic squeezes my ribs.  Too much food.

Hard to breathe. 

Hard to think.

Maybe Penguin being gone is a good thing.  It is possible I have come to rely on him too much.  Three months apart will give me room to breathe.  I worry constantly about losing my sense of self in a relationship.  I worry about being hurt.  I worry about needing someone too much.  I only have room for one addiction in my life.  

If my whole being can’t revolve around my ED, then who am I?

I’m going to try eating an egg white and vegetable scramble for lunch.  We’ll see how it goes.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Take a Moment to Laugh

I've decided everyone needs a little absurdity in their life.  That mine revolves around an ED doesn't change the necessity.

My day was eaten by a panic-induced fast.  Penguin told me he was going away again for three months.  I am a decidedly independent gal, so the fact that I had an emotional meltdown about being apart really irks me.  At least I didn't let him see me cry.  That's what showers are for.  Nothing like being bent double under a painfully hot shower -gasping for breath- to make you feel alive.

Anyway, back to my *absurd* point.  I don't eat when I'm stressed.  My stomach knots up and refuses to accept food.  Great time for a fast, no?  Unfortunately, fasting is rather hard to do when Penguin is around.  He makes a point to take good care of me, so after a skipped breakfast, snack and lunch, he insisted I take a sandwich along on our walk.  To pacify him, I sliced off two pieces of bread, fried up an egg, spread on the appropriate condiments - all with the intention to never eat my creation.  I was at the point of carefully compiling all the ingredients when I had to stop and laugh.  And laugh.  Here I was spending fifteen minutes on a sandwich that would never be eaten.  A PB&J would have been so much easier, and the end result the same.  It's all about appearances.  The worse the ED the more normal you have to act.  The bigger the smile.  The bigger the lies.  Step right up and enjoy the show!

It's a good thing I don't have to explain my humor to the people here.  Somehow I don't think they'd find me as funny as I find myself.  

Everything else is life is going well.  My body fat percentage has dropped another 2%, and the weight I lift at the gym has doubled in the last six months.  Somehow my ultimate goal of 18% body fat seems a bit more attainable now.  I'm no where close right now, but someday I will.  I've never felt that way before.  My weight goals were always something I strived for without any real hope of getting there.  Hold on the to small things and the big things hurt less.