My day was eaten by a panic-induced fast. Penguin told me he was going away again for three months. I am a decidedly independent gal, so the fact that I had an emotional meltdown about being apart really irks me. At least I didn't let him see me cry. That's what showers are for. Nothing like being bent double under a painfully hot shower -gasping for breath- to make you feel alive.
Anyway, back to my *absurd* point. I don't eat when I'm stressed. My stomach knots up and refuses to accept food. Great time for a fast, no? Unfortunately, fasting is rather hard to do when Penguin is around. He makes a point to take good care of me, so after a skipped breakfast, snack and lunch, he insisted I take a sandwich along on our walk. To pacify him, I sliced off two pieces of bread, fried up an egg, spread on the appropriate condiments - all with the intention to never eat my creation. I was at the point of carefully compiling all the ingredients when I had to stop and laugh. And laugh. Here I was spending fifteen minutes on a sandwich that would never be eaten. A PB&J would have been so much easier, and the end result the same. It's all about appearances. The worse the ED the more normal you have to act. The bigger the smile. The bigger the lies. Step right up and enjoy the show!
It's a good thing I don't have to explain my humor to the people here. Somehow I don't think they'd find me as funny as I find myself. Everything else is life is going well. My body fat percentage has dropped another 2%, and the weight I lift at the gym has doubled in the last six months. Somehow my ultimate goal of 18% body fat seems a bit more attainable now. I'm no where close right now, but someday I will. I've never felt that way before. My weight goals were always something I strived for without any real hope of getting there. Hold on the to small things and the big things hurt less.
I sat through 8 weeks of one class where the instructor brought in cookies EVERY time, and the idea of eating them nearly sent me into a panic. In another class, there have been two pitch-in meals where I have made a glutton of myself.
ReplyDeleteBecause we all know eating disorders make total sense, right?
It's good to hear from you.
My coworkers do the same thing. At my last job a well-meaning guy brought in donuts every Friday. Argh. This one we seem to have monthly potlucks and several people have candy/cookie dishes on their desk. I guess food is how normal people show their love?
DeleteGood to be back :)
Sometimes I feel like some master criminal from being so good at hiding "evidence" of either not having eaten or having eaten in order to appear normal. It really is quite ridiculous at times the lengths we go through just to maintain appearances. Most people I've met seem to have the impression that I'm an emotionally well-adjusted foodie and have suggested I open a bakery/resto, which I always find ironic.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to see you writing again.
We do get very good at hiding, don't we? Can you imagine someone with an ED owning a restaurant? It would be heaven and hell all wrapped up in one.
DeleteThank you :)