To say my posting schedule has been erratic is perhaps too kind. But then, I tend to do this. I throw myself into something with full abandon and then give up when it becomes too hard or the pay-off starts to diminish. Maybe in the case of this blog, not posting is better. It means my life, for the moment, isn’t completely devoured by my ED. Still, it is nice to know this blog is here: to air all my grievances and to use as a source of catharsis.
I have no doubt that for most (or all) people struggling with an ED, the holidays suck. So much time and attention is given to food and spending time with people around food. With food. And more food. Food. Food. Food.
It’s much harder to pretend to be eating when you’re around family 24/7. Even the most unobservant loved-one is bound to notice that you haven’t touched the food on your plate, or made a single pass at the food table. The “I just ate” ruse is less than effective when you’re never alone. The other end of the spectrum is just as difficult. With so many goodies ready at hand, it’s easy to hoard away binging supplies. To stuff your mouth with bits of sugar and butter and flour and yum. Little bits of shame that you’re sure is glaringly obvious to everyone you pass. It might as well be smeared across your face, with a neon sign above your head screaming “GLUTTON.”
Truth be told, I don’t even know why I’m here, writing this. Yes, I still binge, but I’m getting better and I’ve been making a conscious effort not to restrict. My workout schedule is as crazy as ever-more so now that there is snow to play in. I’m learning to listen to my body, and not push myself to the point of injury. It seems to be paying off, as I’ve dropped another 4% body fat. For the first time in my life, I can see muscle moving under skin. It’s a good feeling.
Which is why I can’t figure out why I’m so damn melancholy.
Damn the holidays.