Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I will be Shiny

This morning, on a whim, I tried on an old dress.  It has only fit once, right after my pre-wedding crash diet (like you do), and since then couldn’t be squeezed on with the help of Cristo.  It’s loose on me now.  Hangs off my frame.  I didn’t think I’d lost that much.  The way is falls makes my waist look impossibly small.  Well, impossibly small for me.  For some odd reason the image presented to me by the mirror induces a cringe.  Wrong.  Wrong.  Wrong.

I decided to wear the dress to work, but threw an oversized cardigan over the top, buttoned to the neck.  Added ten pounds, easy.

My ex mother-in-law dropped by the office around noon.  (Something they don’t tell you when you get divorced: if your in-laws liked you and you didn’t fuck their son/daughter over in the divorce process, you’ll never be rid of them.)  I hadn’t seen her in a couple months and her eyes widened when she saw me.  Gave me a couple up-downs.  All she wanted was to bitch about her other daughter-in-law and to see if I’d go to the dog park with her.  Our pups used to be best friends.  I wonder if they miss each other.

She poked my ribs a couple times during our goodbye hug, but didn’t say anything about my weight loss.  Something I am extremely grateful for.  I don’t know why, but people commenting on my size makes me really uncomfortable. Always has.  I think it’s probably my subconscious screaming at the thought of being contemplated.  I would be happiest if I only existed to those in the same room.  Then, poof, I would disappear from their memory banks until the next time we crossed paths.  In their mind I would always be the same, never changing.  Always the same weight, same haircut, same job, same marital status.  I really hate the thought of my faults and accomplishments rolling around in peoples’ brains, slipping off their tongues and weighed on the ears of others. 

I suppose this is why I have the constant urge to run away.  To find a new life where I am a shiny novelty, then run away again once the tarnish peeks through.


  1. Congrats on your weight loss! Isn't it nice when clothes fit? Although if you still don't feel good about it perhaps it's too much?...you've got to feel good about your body at some weight don't you?...
    Be thankful you have a nice MIL, mine thinks I'm the devil incarnate and treats me as such!
    I can understand why you don't want others to think/talk about your faults but there's no use worrying about something you have no control over- you know they're more than likely saying wonderful things about you too! xxx

    1. I do quite enjoy my clothes fitting. It feels like I have a brand new wardrobe.

      My roommate asked me the same thing. If maybe I should stop now with the weight loss. Maybe this is the right size for me. I hope that's not the case. I don't feel right yet.

      Thank you for the support and vote of confidence. It means a lot to me :)

  2. congratulations. I also hate people commenting on it because it kind of feels like they are thinking "how long before she gains it all back?"
    Actually that is exactly what my grandfather said to my dad today.
    My MIL keeps saying I'm too thin (even though we are the same height and she weighs 17 kgs less than I do).
    She also is a feeder - feeding everyone else junk food and then just eating a slice of cucumber herself.

    It makes me happy that her face is ugly as f**k.

    Anyway well done.
    Please try to love what you see in the mirror.

    I'm also wearing this oversized coat all the time that hides my weight loss. What's wrong with us??

    1. I think you hit it right on the head. My weight fluctuates so much that I'm sure everyone is wondering when I'm going to gain it all back.

      You could be my ex-sister-in-law! I'm pretty sure she'd describe my ex-mother-in-law the same way.

      Okay, new goal! Next time I look in the mirror, I will tell myself I am beautiful. Maybe I'll even look into wearing clothes that fit. Scary though, that.

      Just remember, we are beautiful! We are strong! We will someday wear clothes that fit because we love ourselves and are completely awesome!!


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