The scale terrifies me.
Everyone and everything (non-ED advice, obviously) tells you to weigh yourself regularly to monitor weight loss progress. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I haven’t stepped on a scale in almost a month.
They tell you that the number doesn’t matter, but it does. They tell you the scale can’t measure self-worth, but sometime I let it. If the number is too high, I become numb. My life is sunk. I did wrong. I am not good enough: for my family, for my boyfriend, for life.
If the number is too low I am elated. Walking on air. And straight to the kitchen. It always leads to a binge and I don’t know why, or how to stop.
If the number is the same. If it is the same. If I am the same. That is the worst. It means that all the pain and hunger and suffering I experienced, the strength I showed, was for nothing. I am nothing.
Logically speaking, I know that our weight fluctuates daily and just because the needle goes up does not mean I’m not making forward progress. It could be that I retained water or gained muscle or…
Logically speaking I should have a healthy relationship with food.
Logically speaking…
But our EDs aren’t logical. If they were, we would have a quick fix. A one-size-fits-all solution. An answer to our puzzle. What a joke.
Best case scenario, the scale shows me the exact number I am expecting. It is not too high. It is not too low and it is definitely not the same. Then I can continue my flat existence, feeling a small iota of relief. Today I am okay. Just right. But tomorrow I will be unknown or too heavy or too light or too… And it will start again. It always starts again.
I know exactly how you feel... I've been fighting the scales for years... as long as I can remember actually and every time I've tried to stop weighing myself I get happier- and gain weight :(
ReplyDeleteI think the scale both terrifies and reassures me- and of course makes me miserable. So it makes perfect sense that I weigh myself every morning..NOT!
Sometimes I feel rather ridiculous that a number can influence the rest of my day so drastically. But it does and sometimes I feel like that there is nothing I can do to stop it.
ReplyDeletexx
I have the same relationship with the number on the scales too. I purposefully had to stop myself from weighing this morning as I didnt want to trigger a binge.. It really is depressing but what can we do. I dont think there is a simple fix.. if there is I havent found it yet. I am designating myself a weigh-day, once a week, and I have a goal I need to be by that day, I purposely set the goal quite high so it makes me work harder.. I hope it works.. Cos I am already terrified of what friday holds..
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better and I hope that the scale shows you something you can somewhat accept. Much love x
The number on the scale first thing in the mornign can effect how my day will go, low - the day is great, the same - the day is just ok and weigh myself several more times, high - the day is awful im so sad people actually ask me who has died...
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon x
its continuous and not logical
ReplyDeleteand i know how scary the scale can be but you are not a number your a lovely lady
life is more than numbers
so much more
i hope whatever number u expect comes up and if it doesnt dont punish yourself too much
ur body goes thru alot
much love
xx
The scales are scary.. I don't measure my self with the numbers (lets face it - I am way too big to do it) but the numbers really effect my mood..
ReplyDeleteLower number = happy + flirty
Higher number = edgy + need to be alone
right now.. I am not really thinking about the scale.. It does effect my mood - and I do worry. But being pregnant means you can not control it anyhow.. But I am really worried about later on...
I do know what I want - and I do have a plan.. But it scares the shit out of me..
Anywho... i hope someday it gets easier.. for all of us..
I used to be terrified of them. Now I step on, step off, and go about my day. It takes so much to not let the number consume you. It will happen, though. You seem lovely.
ReplyDeleteOlivia Lee
http://countmybones.blogspot.com/