Sunday, July 1, 2012

You Know that Feeling When You're About to Jump?

The scale terrifies me. 

Everyone and everything (non-ED advice, obviously) tells you to weigh yourself regularly to monitor weight loss progress.  I can’t do it.  I won’t do it.  I haven’t stepped on a scale in almost a month.

They tell you that the number doesn’t matter, but it does.  They tell you the scale can’t measure self-worth, but sometime I let it.  If the number is too high, I become numb.  My life is sunk.  I did wrong.  I am not good enough: for my family, for my boyfriend, for life.

If the number is too low I am elated.  Walking on air.  And straight to the kitchen.  It always leads to a binge and I don’t know why, or how to stop.

If the number is the same.  If it is the same.  If I am the same.  That is the worst.  It means that all the pain and hunger and suffering I experienced, the strength I showed, was for nothing.  I am nothing. 

Logically speaking, I know that our weight fluctuates daily and just because the needle goes up does not mean I’m not making forward progress.  It could be that I retained water or gained muscle or… 

Logically speaking I should have a healthy relationship with food. 

Logically speaking…

But our EDs aren’t logical.  If they were, we would have a quick fix.  A one-size-fits-all solution.  An answer to our puzzle.  What a joke.

Best case scenario, the scale shows me the exact number I am expecting.  It is not too high.  It is not too low and it is definitely not the same.  Then I can continue my flat existence, feeling a small iota of relief.  Today I am okay.  Just right.  But tomorrow I will be unknown or too heavy or too light or too…  And it will start again.  It always starts again.


  1. I know exactly how you feel... I've been fighting the scales for years... as long as I can remember actually and every time I've tried to stop weighing myself I get happier- and gain weight :(
    I think the scale both terrifies and reassures me- and of course makes me miserable. So it makes perfect sense that I weigh myself every morning..NOT!

  2. Sometimes I feel rather ridiculous that a number can influence the rest of my day so drastically. But it does and sometimes I feel like that there is nothing I can do to stop it.


  3. I have the same relationship with the number on the scales too. I purposefully had to stop myself from weighing this morning as I didnt want to trigger a binge.. It really is depressing but what can we do. I dont think there is a simple fix.. if there is I havent found it yet. I am designating myself a weigh-day, once a week, and I have a goal I need to be by that day, I purposely set the goal quite high so it makes me work harder.. I hope it works.. Cos I am already terrified of what friday holds..
    I hope you feel better and I hope that the scale shows you something you can somewhat accept. Much love x

  4. The number on the scale first thing in the mornign can effect how my day will go, low - the day is great, the same - the day is just ok and weigh myself several more times, high - the day is awful im so sad people actually ask me who has died...

    Hope you feel better soon x

  5. its continuous and not logical
    and i know how scary the scale can be but you are not a number your a lovely lady
    life is more than numbers
    so much more
    i hope whatever number u expect comes up and if it doesnt dont punish yourself too much
    ur body goes thru alot
    much love

  6. The scales are scary.. I don't measure my self with the numbers (lets face it - I am way too big to do it) but the numbers really effect my mood..

    Lower number = happy + flirty
    Higher number = edgy + need to be alone

    right now.. I am not really thinking about the scale.. It does effect my mood - and I do worry. But being pregnant means you can not control it anyhow.. But I am really worried about later on...

    I do know what I want - and I do have a plan.. But it scares the shit out of me..

    Anywho... i hope someday it gets easier.. for all of us..

  7. I used to be terrified of them. Now I step on, step off, and go about my day. It takes so much to not let the number consume you. It will happen, though. You seem lovely.

    Olivia Lee


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