Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Last Night

I text Penguin after work to see what his plans are for the evening.  I thought, like me, he would want to spend as much time together as possible before he flies far away.  It is raining outside, pouring.  No evening hike for me.  I avoid exercising in the rain whenever possible.  The risk of chaffing is too high.  Unless, of course, it’s been a couple days since my last outdoor adventure; I’ll choose sanity over skin every time. 

While waiting for a response from Penguin I hook up the PS3 and press the play button for P90X Kenpo.  My fists cut through the air, punching sticky ghosts of hunger and pain and frustration.

I crawl into bed for a nap.  It’s 6:30 and he hasn’t called.  My mind is restless.  Every rustle of sheet becomes the sound of tires on gravel.  Every fat drop of rain, slapping on wood, a footstep.  I tell myself he would call before coming over.  He would check to see if I was home first.  It doesn’t work.

At 7:30 I turn on my Wii, a perfect distraction.  I’m obsessed with the new Zelda, Skyward Sword.  It has replaced Ocarina of Time as my favorite in the series.  Yup, I’m a nerd.

7:45, I find myself in the kitchen.  I am not hungry, but my hands don’t listen.  They prepare a pickle sandwich: one piece of bread slathered in mustard wrapped around a kosher dill.  I know it will set off a binge, but I take a bite anyway.  Chew, swallow.  Chew, swallow.  Chew.  Swallow.  Next is a black bean patty, covered in salsa -- extra spicy.  My lips burn as I put forkful after forkful into my mouth.  I taste nothing. My traitor hands reach for the raspberry truffle cookies.  They shouldn’t be there, sitting on my counter beckoning.  I should have delivered them last night, gotten them far from my kitchen.  I break off a piece, place it on my tongue and stop.  My stomach is already full, distended -- too many days of fasting and restricting have shrunk the organ.  I spit the bite of cookie into my hand.  Throw it and the rest of the greasy, sugary treat away.  I do not want this. 

At 9:00 I give up hearing from Penguin and swallow four Nyquil capsules.  Enough to make my head swim and my body collapse.  Getting a prescription for sleeping pills is not an option.  My doctor would ask too many questions.

Penguin calls at 9:30.  He assures me that he wanted to return my text earlier but said if he had, he’d have blown off packing to spend time with me.  I don’t know if I believe him.  He always has an excuse for his inconsiderate behavior.  We both know he is a terrible boyfriend, but neither of us do anything to change. 

He arrives at 10:20.  Just in time for bed.  I think I am a booty call.


  1. I hate it when guys do that... I once dated a guy that made excuses to why we could only see each other at night. He was always texting me to come over after 9 pm. I just stopped responding. But we weren't in a relationship, maybe Penguin was busy? Either way, he's just clueless. Try not to let it get you down. :]

    Oh, and I'm totally obsessed with Zelda too! I only have the N64 version... I'm old school ;]

    Be well!

  2. ahh men... all I can say is if he's making your life and weight journey harder (you mentioned it your previous post) and is not treating you the way you deserve maybe he needs a wake up call. You deserve to be treated like a princess! Don't settle for less xxx

  3. Hmm... :/ I don't put up with people who know they aren't doing their best or in the least, good, and don't do anything about it. And I really don't like the idea of you being some booty call. Maybe you should take a small step back and look at what's become of your relationship. Maybe see if you're happy with him. Maybe. It won't hurt to evaluate the situation.
    Anyway... I've been dieting perfectly for the past three days. My mind is spinning. I can't stand fast anymore. My self control is steel. I'm proud that you put the cookie back <3

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    1. Seems pretty clear that he is more of an enabler than a source of support for your ED and your sense of self-worth. The types of people we allow into our lives influence how we progress more than we often think, and I think it may be best to reevaluate whether or not you want to keep him in yours. What makes it difficult is that people aren't all bad or all good, and you probably are also reminded of the qualities that you do like about him. Regardless, you can't afford to settle for someone who is insensitive to your vulnerabilities, especially when it triggers you to harm yourself. There is always the option of telling him the truth, and judge his behaviour afterward... but in the end that's up to you.

      (PS.. I am obsessed with Zelda, and games in general. "Twilight Princess" and "Phantom Hourglass" were pretty amazing.)

      Sorry, wanted to add that you shouldn't feel badly at all for eating more than you planned. It's a great sign of improvement that you stopped at the cookie before a full on binge would ensue, which would have made you feel even worse.


Thank you for the comment! Your input is always appreciated :)