A plate of cookies sit on the break room table. Our fiscal officer is masticating a raspberry truffle; everyone in the room except me has a treat in their hand. She doesn’t bother to swallow before asking the question and it catches me off guard. The word tastes funny on my ears. Skih-nee. Skin - ee. Skin - knee. No one has ever put me and that word in the same sentence before. I don’t know how to react. I smile. On the inside I am cringing. It’s true my body has been changing, fat melting away to reveal collar and rib and hip bones. Slick muscle. But there is still so much of me. Too much. The boiling yellow and white is swallowing me whole. Smothering me. Choking me.
That my pencil-skirt, once skin tight, can now be slipped off without undoing the clasp means nothing. It is an embarrassing, obscene size. Made from a tent’s worth of material. The needle on the scale keeps drifting down, but the number is never small enough. I am never small enough.
Sometimes I wonder if this will ever end. If there will ever be a perfect size. A weight where I feel skinny, perfect.
I will have to stop binging to find out. Impossible.
Perhaps you are quite skinny enough! Perhaps you need to stop trying to lose? Perhaps you can learn to be happy at this weight? Perhaps you need to focus on doing the things that make you happy rather than kicking yourself for your slip ups? It seems to me the weight you feel comfortable at is more a state of mind than anything else... if you are happy with yourself you radiate beauty- why not go for that?
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny, a couple of people have said similar things to me but I don't feel right yet. Maybe I'll get down to some impossible GW and still feel not right, but at least I'll know for sure and can go from there.
DeleteFor now, I really am trying to work on accepting and loving myself. While still losing weight. And that's the kicker. I don't know what I'd do if I weren't actively trying to lose weight. It's been my state of being for so long...
But again, thank you for your kind words of wisdom. They mean a lot to me and I will definitely take them under advisement.
That is such a typical coworker. I can totally see the chewing and talking, just be happy you're not like that!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I laughed out loud at "masticating a raspberry truffle" hahaha
Haha, glad you liked my turn of phrase.
DeleteMy coworker is a sweet girl, but we couldn't be more different, that's for sure.
Thank you for the comment :)
When I go out my friends ask me (my older friends) how I've lost so much weight. What's my secret? What's the magic word? I just smile and laugh and mumble something about portion control (yeah... NO portions) and jogging (though I haven't been jogging in weeks: far too tired). I know exactly how you feel. You hear them ask and yet they stuff their faces and you can't help but think: "Well... Do you see me eating that cupcake/cookie/hamburger? No. That's how. That's how I lose weight."
ReplyDeleteAll my skirts fall off my hips. All my shirts hang like rags off my shoulders. I need new clothes because seeing how big I used to be makes me sick. I hope things go a little smoother for you love <3
-Emma
Yeah, it always make me giggle on the inside when people ask how I've lost weight while they're stuffing their face with crap food.
DeleteI keep thinking I should buy new clothes, but can't bring myself to do so. Funny that. I'm the exact opposite from you. I can't seem to face the fact that I've lost weight. I try to hide the fact at every instance.
Ah well. I hope you can get a new wardrobe soon! And thank you for the comment :)
There may not ever be a weight/size where you feel "skinny," but perhaps one day there will be a time where you feel more "comfortable enough" at whatever weight you are.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I really hate when people make any sort of comment regarding weight, even if it's meant as a compliment. People never consider whether the person they're speaking to has issues with self image or an eating disorder. Complimenting someone with an ED only encourage the same harmful behaviours that caused them to appear the way the do in the first place.
Agreed! I really wish people would stop commenting on my weight. It drives me bonkers, literally.
DeleteI'll let you know if I ever feel comfortable in my body. Can't even begin to imagine what that would feel like...
Thank you for the comment :)