Saturday, July 21, 2012

Don't Eat the Cookies

I made cookies from scratch.  Three different kinds: peanut butter cup, chocolate lovers and raspberry truffle.  Too much dough makes its way into my mouth -- enough to form a whole cookie.  Dinner is a cup of tea in compensation.  Usually I have more will power, but I am preoccupied.  Not sure with what, hormones maybe. 

Penguin sneaks through the front door just as I am putting the last sheet in the oven.  He comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in the nape of my neck.  I trade a kiss for a cookie.  Watching the smile spread over his face as he takes the first bite is far more enjoyable than actually eating one myself.  I clean the kitchen as he snags another cookie, then another.  One of each kind.  If I ate like him I’d weigh 300 pounds.

Seventeen minutes later I pull the gooey, delicious, horrible-for-you creations out of the oven and set them on the stove.  Want to know the secret to perfect cookies?  Add ½ - 1 cup extra flour to the dough, undercook them by about two minutes and then let them cool on the pan, not a rack.  Doing so keeps the center moist and chewy while the bottom continues to brown so they don’t fall apart.  The most important step is to not eat any

The remaining 100+ cookies already sit divided into Tupperware: one for my parents, one for my brother and his girlfriend, a plate for work and a giant container for Penguin.  Enough to last 90 days.  Oh yes.  Maybe that has something to do with my preoccupation.  He is leaving.  In three days.  For three months.  For 90 days.  For 2,160 hours.  For 129,600 minutes. 

NO.  I will not do this.  I am NOT that girl. 

I notice the grease stains spreading out beneath each cookie.  Soaking into the butcher paper placed carefully between each layer, striations of fat and carbs and heart-hammering because there is so much sugar.  I put the lid on each container, sealing in the curls of yum, yum, yum that waft off them. 

Penguin never asks why I don’t eat my own baked goods.  I assume it’s because I am fat, fat, fat.  He’d never say it, but I know I am not his type: not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not… enough.  He talks constantly about body image, how so-and-so is looking rather hefty these days.  How his ex-wife’s sister is developing manly forearms from all the weight lifting.  How his friend’s thighs now rub together.  Fat.  Wrong.  Bad.

I listen to all the reasons I am not good enough.  I wonder why I do this to myself. 

It doesn’t matter.  I will think only happy thoughts.  Today was a good day.  Any day I get to bake and then go for a six mile hike is a good day. 


  1. The cookie monster slightly terrified me as a child (perhaps he reminded me too much of myself), but I fully appreciate the Dos Equis mashup.

    It really is unfortunate that people so nonchalantly make body-oriented comments as if everyone's impermeable. I have to say, I'm not thrilled about his comment about thighs rubbing together. Most professional athletes have thighs that rub together but their bodies are amazing regardless. There's nothing enviable of a useless weak body, unless you're disordered, of course.

    1. Haha, the cookie monster was my favorite character. I love the fact that he ate cookies with such abandon.

      His comments make me uncomfortable, especially since I don't agree with most of them. My legs touch, and they always will. Girls who lift weights are incredibly hot in my book. I'm glad someone else agrees with me that there is nothing great about a useless, week body.

      Thank you for the comment. It means a lot to me :)

  2. Yay! Sounds great. I also give away everything I bake. I loove baking so much! Beautiful pic. The other day I used melted chocolate to make a cake collar and ate like two spoonfuls. Normally so good. Don't know why that happened! But whatever, not the end of the world. Thanks for the tip. I will definitely keep it in mind when I bake again.

    1. It always amazes me how many people in the ED community love to bake. Maybe we like to test ourselves.

      I don't know what a cake collar is, but it sure sounds delicious! (chocolate, yum!)

      Thank you for the comment :)

  3. I have never ever made cookies.. I did make a ginger bread man once in school.. Does it count?? hehe

    Take good care :)

    1. Haha, you're missing out. Though decorating gingerbread men IS a lot of fun. I miss that. Use to decorate them with my grandma every Christmas.

      You take good care as well!

  4. I love baking and cooking for others. And I almost always go overboard and make them elaborate dishes and sweet treats. And I never eat any of it, lol. Seeing all the junk that goes into it helps me restrain myself.
    I'm sure he loves you, darling. If he didn't think you were enough he wouldn't be with you <3 You're beautiful, and he can see that. And just keep working toward your goals and as you begin to reach them and get that body you want he'll be even prouder of his girlfriend <3

    1. Yeah, baking has really helped me cut down on my goodies intake. It forces you to see just how bad they are for you, and lets face it, once you've perfected a recipe everyone else's version tastes like crap.

      Penguin is a really good guy, and I'm sure he cares for me. I just wish he wasn't so fixated on looks.

      Thank you for the warm thoughts and comments. They mean a lot to me!


Thank you for the comment! Your input is always appreciated :)