Friday, August 16, 2013

How Far Down Does the Rabbit Hole Go?

I have been contemplating my fascination with ED blogs.  I'm hesitantly willing to admit, the more sick a blogger is, the more interested I become.  I hate myself for this, but it's the truth.  I desperately want these people to recover, to be healthy, to love themselves.  My heart breaks at their suffering.  


Still...  A little voice, hidden in a dark corner of my brain, wants them to get worse.  Wants them to continue down the path of destruction.  I want to know how far down the rabbit hole goes.  I want to compare myself to them.  I want to see how far I still have to go.  I want to know what it takes to kill myself with an ED.  I want.  I want.  I want.

I live in a sick, sick world and it kills me that I'm not the sickest one. I feel like a marionette, with my ED controlling the strings.

It took me two days to post this.  I always sabotage my friendships with the truth.  Do my best to push them away before they see the real me.  There is such thing as too much honesty.  You think I'd know where that line was by now.  
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2 comments:

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    I am the same. Publicly I write things like Congrats! Good job! Secretly I think, go lower, show me that it can be done. I crave it. I'm thinking of purging my list of former Ed journals turned recovery ones. I don't need to hear about recovery, not now. I need to know that I am a fat cow and need to get my shit together.

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    Replies
    1. Outdoor JunkieAugust 16, 2013 at 2:52 PM

      I feel the same. I've basically been the same, horrendous weight for the last two years. I'm so sick of being fat fat fat.

      You know you're twisted when you seek triggering.

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