Hello, my name is [blank] and I am... bulimic? No wait. I live with BED. I binge. I don't purge. This can't be right.
But that was years ago. Back when I led a sedentary lifestyle. Back when I would never have thought of restricting or fasting or sticking my fingers down my throat. Though I never did succeed in correcting a binge by purging. I can't tell you how many times I stared down at my toilet, gagging, without being able to complete the act. At the time, I felt like this was one more way in which I failed. Now, I consider it a blessing that I never made it down that particular path.
Seeking Something Else to thank for this epiphany. She recommend I read Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. I couldn't put the book down. The author managed to recover from bulimia practically overnight using nothing but modified thinking. If she hadn't spent the first half of the book detailing her crawling decent into the madness of an ED, I'd probably have laughed the method off as a snake oil cure.
Like me, Hansen was never able to purge the "traditional" way. Instead, she would spend the entire day after a binge in the gym. She sweated away her transgressions. When I read her story, something went ping in my brain. I never connected exercise with my ED because I keep the same schedule every week, regardless of how much/often I binged. Now, it's so glaringly obvious I want to smack myself upside the head. I work out to control my weight and because I love what I do. I work out like crazy to compensate for my binge sessions. It doesn't matter how much I enjoy my fitness regiment...
I am bulimic.
A bulimic who does preemptive purging. Is that even a thing?
Crap. Hopefully I won't be this way for much longer. I am very ready to leave this part of my life behind. I'm cautiously optimistic about Hansen's approach. I'll let you know how it goes.